Issue Two

FREE DANDELIONS

There are many edible plants and I would love to write about them but the disclaimer I would have to write would be too long. The warning too scary. What if I told you it’s ok to boil up some burdock and instead you boiled some terrible plant and died? Or, suppose I told you to dig up all those day lilies and eat their tubers like a potato and use their flowers in soup? But what if, instead, you pulled up and gnawed on the wrong tuber or spirits forbid tossed a deadly flower in your stone soup and became deathly ill? I don’t like avenging relatives.

So I decided to pick something safe. Something everybody could recognize. Like the good old fashioned dandelion. Besides it being the plant that keeps chemical lawn companies in business, it offers the beginning of wine, makes a colorful, nutritious (high in iron, vitamin A and calcium) salad and some weird coffee.

I wish I could give you the history of the dandelion, particularly a story about why people hate them on their lawns so much. I never minded them. To me, they were free flowers. I do know that they originated in Europe and I’m guessing that one of those fluffy seed laden parachutes was probably stuck on some immigrant’s coat when he got off at Ellis Island or wherever he landed.

My relation ship with the cute dandelion began at a young age when my Auntie first presented them to me fried with a good chunk of Italian bread. The next time I saw them they were tossed and coated with virgin olive oil. Auntie said the best ones to pick were the ones by the railroad tracks but to this day I don’t know why. My Auntie is long gone and it was a question I forgot to ask her before she left. I suspect she liked the railroad tracks because there would be no pesticides.  

DANDELION ROOT COFFEE

• Separate the roots of the dandelion from the rest of the plant.
• Set them someplace to dry for two days.
• Roast them.
• Grind them.
• Put the grounds in a coffee maker and prepare like regular coffee.
• Drink and cancel the chemical company.

Other things you can do with dandelions:

• Cook them like you cook spinach.
• Toss the greens like you toss a salad.
• Make wine.
• Use the root as a vegetable. Peel it, boil and serve with butter.
• Leave them alone.
• Make a small bouquet for your mom.
• When they turn to seed: Blow them.

DEER BAMBI

How contrived. I couldn’t help it for what would an article about deer be without mentioning Bambi? With that out of the way, lets get rid of the deer that nibbling your garden. First some facts: Bucks weigh between two and three hundred pounds. Does weigh about 20 to 40 percent less. They like to hang at the edges of forests to graze and go deep in the woods for cover. Deer are herbivores. They like flowers, shrubs, vines, acorns, your corn, my corn, everybody’s corn, fruit and soybeans. They like grass, and in the winter they eat twigs and bark. In essence, they will eat anything under 6 feet tall that’s not meat because they can digest over six hundred different species of plants. When they’re lying down, they chew their cuds.

Some whitetails live as long as twenty years providing they haven’t met the grill of your car or the plate glass in your living room.

One more thing: Deer carry ticks. Ticks carry Lyme disease, a disease named after the town where it was first discovered.

And finally: Hitting a deer with your car is usually more harmful to the deer. According to Bill Adler, Jr. author of Outwitting Critters, "Only about one hundred human deaths occur a year as a result of these crashes." Bill obtained that information from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

And this is what’s eating your garden. How do you keep it away?

1. Try an electric fence.
2. For a more natural deterrent try some thorny bushes around the garden. The deer may jump them a few times, but one of these days he’ll find out they’re thorny and stay away.
3. Get a dog. Not one of those small yapping types. A big one.
4. Deer repellent. But read the directions for applying. Re-applying may be needed.

OLD FASHIONED METHODS:

1. Human hair. (It’s the smell of human they fear. Stuff it in an old pair of panty hose. You’ll need a lot of locks so make friends with a barber.)
2. Blood meal or meat meal.
3. Hang bars of deodorant soaps from the trees that you don’t want the deer to eat. According to Bill Adler, Jr., "Irish Spring is supposed to be especially effective."
4. Mothballs or moth flakes sprinkled on the ground.
5. Wind chimes or other noise devices.

REALLY OLD FASHION METHOD:

Circle the garden with lion manure. Deer are terrified of lions.

Deer have also been known to ignore all of the above and if that’s your problem, call it a Bambi and head for the fresh produce department to make some purchases since it’s obvious that the only way you’re going to get your fruits and vegetables is if you buy them.

While he doesn’t discourage would be writers, he certainly tells them that there is no way to learn to become a writer except to write and if you don’t have the time to read, you won’t have the time to write. Bingo. That’s it in a nutshell. Another shell with a nut in it was this: It’s not about looking or thinking of stories, it’s about recognizing them when they happen. His comments on grammar are what I’ve been trying to say forever! But the best part is when he starts out by letting the reader know he won’t fill his book with bullshit which most ‘how to’ writing books are full of.

If you are a King fan and wonder where in the world he get his ideas, this book may give you some insight. No wonder he wrote horror stories! That fat babysitter who sat on his face and farted on him plus his job at the cleaners where maggots tried to crawl up his arm are enough to drive anyone to spinning a horror yarn.

As a writer, I found this book inspiring because truthfully, there is nothing special about writing. Hell, people do it every single day. What makes it special? The writer’s depth. Stephen King has depth, he writes with passion and he can’t stress enough: It’s the story that counts. Stephen King is an honest writer and that’s what you need to be good, not tips and how -to advice. A fat babysitter obviously doesn’t hurt either.

SIGHTINGS ON THE WEB

There’s a guy named Duane who has a web page. It’s a typical vanity site that lists things like where he’s been, and what his hobbies are—and it has the standard photo of his family which makes you wonder if there is anyone in his family under 50-years-old. I still don’t understand this type of use of the Internet. As if anybody really cares about Duane and his old family.

BUT—there is one reason you should visit his web page. Has a page called Bill Gates’ house. He has this page because he used to work at Microsoft and he even says something like, ‘I saw Bill a lot on campus.’ A page titled Bill Gates’ House was intriguing because I happen to have an interest in Bill Gates. He’s like the new Kennedy or something. America’s future royalty—if he can only find time to produce about 7 kids.

The Bill Gates house is worth 97 million dollars. This is a far cry from any Beverly Hills stars’ home—no doubt better than Aguilera’s abode and Michael Jackson’s digs put together. It is reported that guests at Bill and Melinda’s house wear small electronic pins to let computers know who and where they are. Bill Gates, as of this writing, is worth about 80 billion dollars. What does that mean to you? Well, if he was inclined, he could right now afford to give every person in the United States $180.00 or $8.33 to everyone on the planet. If you can’t comprehend that, then think of it this way: If Bill and Melinda, using a standard king size bed, layered it with all of their money (using one dollar bills) their bed would have a thickness 8 miles high. Or, Bill makes $106.66 per second. The website is www.goehner.com. Remember to just ignore Duane.

There’s another guy, and I’m assuming his name is Peter. This guy reminds me of someone I once knew who had affection for pink leather mini-skirts and white shoes. We called him Chad. This would be Chad’s dream page. This guy dresses up like all sorts of things and characters and that’s his web site. Go see. www.pixieland.org/peterpan/ peters fashion page.

To see crap—and it really is: www.crapco.com. This is such a poor web site it’s not worth writing about. But hey, maybe you’ll find a redeeming quality and let us know.

If you’re a cowboy who likes poetry, why are you reading this because you should go directly to www.cowboypoetry.com. This site is evidence enough that a man alone in the Rocky’s with a few problems should not be allowed to hold a writin’ pad. Get this for starters: "When a man’s been chasin’ cows and stringin’ fence and stackin’ hay, a week can last a year or so until it’s Saturday." Yes, the guy is totally into rhyming.

If that throws you into despair, go to www.despair.com. This site is the funniest thing I have seen in my cyber travels. There is even ‘despair’ merchandise! It’s nice to know all those in despair are not alone and will prove the adage that misery does love company.

And finally for those who really use the Internet for something like education, there is a site where you can learn the 101 uses for duct tape. Imagine my delight at this page for I am the girl who hems her skirts with the stuff. I’m the one who lives by the motto: If you have coffee, oatmeal and duct tape, you’ve got a home. I’ve made dog doors from this wonder product and right now know it is holding up most of the artwork displayed in my home, and could be what’s holding my house up. This site gives suggestions even I haven’t thought of yet—like it’s OK to use it to tape your 10-year-old with a sugar high to trees during boy scouts trips. They also suggest making duct tape underwear, not to be confused with the edible sort. It even has medicinal qualities. Did you know that duct tape stuck to a planter’s wart would get rid of it? www.exploremaine.com/~joho/tape.html

See you in space.

BG